a great disappointment
Forgive me the highly depressing nature of this post. But what do you do when your Christian walk and your life disappoints you? Seriously, we all have times when that happens, it's just taboo when we actually say it. Well, I'm not afraid. I'll say it.
I'm disappointed. In myself, in the current dry state of my walk with the Lord, and with what I expect out of my Christian life.
It seems that we always have great ability to look at our healing bodies or our new cars our big paychecks and say, "The Lord has blessed me." But what about the body that won't heal, the exhaustion that won't go away, the frustration that sees no quenching? What about when I'm an emotional wreck and am driving everyone around me, including myself, insane?
It's at times like these, when I feel no comfort, when I take no joy away from my times in the Word, when it feels, truly, like God is far away and unconcerned with my struggling self, that I turn and realize that I feel like God has let me down. Right now, I want to enjoy my new marriage. I want to be happy and flirty and healthy. But that's not what God has given me and I resent it.
But I don't deserve that. I can tell my spoiled self that God has forgotten me, or I can open up my eyes and realize that I don't deserve to have my health and my joy restored. I don't deserve to even live. I have sinned, horifically, and I deserve the punishment of eternal death. Tortuous, arduous, painful, death. But that's not what I've gotten. I've been shown mercy, forgiveness, love like I will never really understand.
So here I am, and for now I'll remain. Caught somewhere in the middle between my knowledge of what God has done for me, that I am truly blessed beyond comprehension, and the emotive response of my heart to feel frustrated and angered that I cannot have what I want right now.
For now, there is my emotional vomit. The depths of my soul spilled out, a little child whining because she cannot get what she wants... and yet I still seek fervently the answer to it all, the ability to praise right now when it seems impossible, and a chance to live a faith that seems numb. Lord give me strength for the next 5 minutes, and then I'll worry about what comes after that.
I'm disappointed. In myself, in the current dry state of my walk with the Lord, and with what I expect out of my Christian life.
It seems that we always have great ability to look at our healing bodies or our new cars our big paychecks and say, "The Lord has blessed me." But what about the body that won't heal, the exhaustion that won't go away, the frustration that sees no quenching? What about when I'm an emotional wreck and am driving everyone around me, including myself, insane?
It's at times like these, when I feel no comfort, when I take no joy away from my times in the Word, when it feels, truly, like God is far away and unconcerned with my struggling self, that I turn and realize that I feel like God has let me down. Right now, I want to enjoy my new marriage. I want to be happy and flirty and healthy. But that's not what God has given me and I resent it.
But I don't deserve that. I can tell my spoiled self that God has forgotten me, or I can open up my eyes and realize that I don't deserve to have my health and my joy restored. I don't deserve to even live. I have sinned, horifically, and I deserve the punishment of eternal death. Tortuous, arduous, painful, death. But that's not what I've gotten. I've been shown mercy, forgiveness, love like I will never really understand.
So here I am, and for now I'll remain. Caught somewhere in the middle between my knowledge of what God has done for me, that I am truly blessed beyond comprehension, and the emotive response of my heart to feel frustrated and angered that I cannot have what I want right now.
For now, there is my emotional vomit. The depths of my soul spilled out, a little child whining because she cannot get what she wants... and yet I still seek fervently the answer to it all, the ability to praise right now when it seems impossible, and a chance to live a faith that seems numb. Lord give me strength for the next 5 minutes, and then I'll worry about what comes after that.
posted by Bonnie @ 11:10 AM
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